Concerning Miss Evans
by J. Anderson
Summary: As the Marauders savour their last week of summer together, they find time 'between activities' to delve into the core of James's predicament... concerning a certain Miss Evans. [one-shot]


It was the hottest Sunday in August and the Marauders were sitting in James's bedroom with the window open, trying to tempt a breeze.

"Must you lay around on my bed like that Padfoot? At least put a shirt on, you're sweating all over my sheets," James complained in a grumpy voice from where he was lying on the rug, an arm thrown over his eyes. He was so hot that he missed the fact that he himself was only wearing a pair of muggle cargo shorts.

"No," Sirius mumbled in return, "Too hot. 'Sides, no one ever tells a sex god to put a shirt on."

"Shut up, Padfoot," Peter groaned sluggishly, "... needn't be snarky... no girls here..."

"This stifling heat is enough to make anyone else quiet down," Remus put in, half-amused. He was sitting in James's desk chair, resting his chin on the back of it and looking somewhat wilted. "I say, it really is an abnormally hot day for London."

"An abnormally _boring_ day!" James groaned. He had not been so bored since Sirius moved in two months ago.

His parents had really picked the perfect weekend to get the pool fixed. Even with magic it took two whole days. Remus and Peter had after much coaxing, wheedling and begging managed to get permission to spend the last week of vacation with James and Sirius at the Potter's. It had not been an easy deal to make, because all concerning parents knew how the four teenagers could likely blow up a small town if left together and unsupervised. However, it was the summer before their last year at Hogwarts, so the adults softened up, knowing how little time their sons had left together as school mates.

On any other day, they would have been playing Quidditch in the Potter's obscenely large backyard, but today, flying meant being closer to the sun and even a few feet up from the ground was enough to bake a clam. They had tried every possible alternative to amuse themselves, including chasing the neighbor's cat up a tree, hexing Mrs. Potter's curtains so that they grabbed whoever happened to walk by and conducting an experiment in which they each stuffed an entire bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans into their mouths to see what would happen. They vowed a trillion times never, ever to try the latter again.

"I respectfully disagree," Sirius said with a glint in his eye, "Seeing Moony turn that stunning shade of puce was the highlight of my week. A just reward for our laborious experimentations, wouldn't you agree? You really must wear shades of purple more often Mooners, it flatters you."

Remus tried to whack Sirius with a pillow but missed.

"Besides," Sirius grinned, "Marauders neither know nor acknowledge the meaning of boredom. We're simply between activities."

"Can you believe it's going to be our last year?" James said. He was quieter than usual and was so lost in thought that he had not noticed the feathers coming out of his favorite pillow as Remus continued to attack Sirius with it.

"All these years together and you never let on your sentimental side," Sirius commented, spitting out a mouthful of goose down. His assailant had given up and retreated to his original post, deciding it was too hot and not worth the effort.

"I'm not sentimental!... what?" He quickly sat up and his overgrown hair, uncharacteristically droopy from the humidity, fell into his eyes. He impatiently brushed it up out of his way and glared at his three friends, who were sniggering. Sirius coughed and it sounded very much like 'Evans'.

James climbed up onto the bed and rubbed a handful of feathers into Sirius's face to make him shut up, but not before the others could noticed that he had turned a shade of red that had nothing to do with the heat.

"What will you do about her when we get back James?" Remus inquired good-naturedly, "I don't think I need to remind you that it is our final year. Lily isn't going to wait around forever –"

"Wait around!" James interrupted, "she's not the one that been waiting around! I'm the one that's been doing the waiting around. Waiting for her to _come_ around... forever" He ended his outburst with a groan. "Honestly, I think I'm still trying to recover from the last time I asked her to go out with me."

"Really? You haven't recovered from a stinging hex?" Peter asked.

"I don't think that's what he means," Remus told him, "But last time – June, was it – after she turned you down and gave you that hex in the foot you got hopping mad and swore, I quote, 'I'll never have anything to do with that carrot-top muggle ever again."

Sirius snorted, "It's a nice chance from his usual post-refusal bent. 'Sirius, why does she hate me? What's wrong with me? Ah, I still love her, I think I'll kill myself!'," he mimicked.

"Yeah, and after that he'll sulk for days," Peter said.

"That's not – I don't – I don't sound like that!" James protested, the flush on his face growing.

"But last year was the first time you ever got angry," Remus quickly interjected, sensing the start of a well-worn argument, "You said you had given up."

"Moony, Moony," James said with mock impatience, "Haven't we known each other long enough for you to figure out that what I say is usually far, _far_ from what I mean?"

"Oy, there he has a point," Sirius said, "He'll say, '_you don't have to come to my quidditch game',_ and what he'll mean is _'come or I'll beat the snark out of you'._"

Remus caught on,"And when he says:_ I hate Lily Evans..._"

"He means: _I love Lily Evans,_" Peter finished.

James didn't even try to deny it and the look on his face suggested that he'd been wronged, "It's a curse! Every time I get within ten feet of that – that - _her_, my mouth goes haywire."

"Well, it looks like we've got to the root of the problem," Remus tsked. "You've got to find some way to tell her what you really feel."

"I wish I could. What do you want me to do?" James asked, looking like a boy who had been told that the earth was round when it was flat.

"We want you to promise that you're foolishly in love with Lily Evans and would like to drag her off to the astronomy tower the minute you see her so you can confess said emotion and engage in liberal amounts of gratuitous shagging." Sirius quipped with disturbing fluency.

"What does that have to do with my problem?" James sputtered. Even after all these years, Sirius's unapologetically guileless speech could catch him off guard.

Sirius shrugged. "Admittance is the first step to recovery."

"And where did you learn that phrase, Sex Addicts Anonymous?"

"Saaay it James," Peter cajoled. When in desperate need of entertainment, torment a close friend.

"Say it and I'll eat another bag of Bertie Botts!" Remus offered.

"I'm foolishly in love with Lily Evans and would like to drag her off to the astronomy tower the minute I see her so I can confess said emotion and engage in liberal amounts of gratuitous shagging!"

Mrs. Potter chose that moment to walk in and offer her guests some lemonade. The Potters all shared a terrible sense of timing. It took James several stammering minutes to convince his mother that Lily Evans was the name of a friendly school otter and that 'shag' was the new lingo for 'frolic'. Even if his mother did believe him, the story was still a little questionable. The Potters were also very bad liars

"Remind me to kill you all later, after the sun goes down," James told his friends tiredly, "I would do it immediately, but the blood would congeal in the heat and ruin my carpet."

"Ah Potter, no need to thank us. Doesn't it feel good to get all those feelings out in the open?" Sirius asked, not one bit flustered.

"I've really got to stop thinking about her," James groaned, rubbing at his hair with both hands. His fringe was really starting to bug him.

"He's right you know. It's going to land us all in the loony bin if he doesn't quit obsessing about Lily every other second." Peter said.

"Right, so here's what we do: we embark on a mission. I call it Win Lily Over So James Can Marry Her And Stop Driving His Poor Friends Up The Wall." Sirius said in a businesslike tone.

"I like the sound of that. Mission WLOSJCMHASDHPFUTW shall commence this afternoon!"

"You've got a real knack for acronyms, Moony," Sirius said, impressed.

"Thank you, Padfeet," Remus replied with a straight face.

"Yeah, great plan, but just one problem," James muttered, choosing to ignore his friend's prattle, "That's what I've been trying to do for the last six years! I can't help it that she's the most impossible girl on the planet. Doesn't she realize that I could get any girl in Hogwarts to go out with me?" James sniffed with pretend indifference at the last bit of his rant, but his friends all knew that he said it to salvage his wounded pride and not out of any truth.

"He's got a point you know. I mean, he is the captain of the quidditch team this year. Girls do tend to go a bit nuts over guys swooshing around on brooms don't they?" Remus noted with a hint of bitterness

"Maybe she's got an inferiority complex like the people who only dates losers." Sirius suggested.

"I somehow get the feeling that that's not the problem." Peter said skeptically.

"You're right. If that were the case she'd be dating him already."

"Thank you for your help guys."

"Well let's analyze this dilemma logically," Remus suddenly sat up straighter and his friends noticed him getting into 'classroom mode'. Classroom-mode Moony can be very useful to have around. The others leaned in eagerly, but none as eagerly and the boy with wide hazel eyes.

"James. Have you any suspicion as to indeed _why_ Miss Lily Evans has on so many occasions resisted your advances?"

"Yes. She's the thickest bird I ever met." James responded unblinkingly and without pause. His friends mentally translated for him: _she's too good for me._

"Ah - perhaps I should rephrase," Remus said patiently, "Has she verbally said anything to indicate her feelings toward you?"

James cleared his throat and mumbled something incoherent.

"Say again?"

"She said I was an arrogant prat whose head desperately needed some deflating, as well as a lesson in manners and a swift kick in the butt." James blurted all this out very quickly and precisely, as if he had been turning these troublesome words over in his head for quite some time.

"Ah, the nail in the head."

"I don't understand! One time, in fifth year I publicly humiliate Snivelly in front of half the school – just one time and I'm suddenly the most detestable person on earth!"

"Er, James, we've publicly humiliated Snivelly _loads_ of times," Sirius reminded him.

"She only caught us the once," James pushed his hair off his forehead impatiently.

Sirius suddenly had an idea,

"Here mate, let me help you with that fringe. It seems to bother you." He stood up and grabbed his wand from James''s bedside table.

A look of absolute horror came over James's face.

"NO! Er, no thanks Padfoot. Mum promised she'd fix it when she had a spare moment, so no need to trouble yourself... No need!" He let out an odd shaky laugh and Remus and Peter noticed him start to slowly back away.

"No trouble at all! It'll only take a moment, honestly. I've been cursing my own hair since I was eight and all it takes is the right aim!"

James had unwittingly backed himself into a corner and when he realized this he started to quietly whimper and hid his fringe with his left hand. "N-nno Padfoot, I'm alright..." He tried sending subliminal help messages to his other two friends, but one glance over Sirius's shoulder told him that they were enjoying his predicament too much to lift a finger to save him

"C'mon Prongs, trust me. Now hold still now... one clean cut..."

Sirius forced James's hand down and pinned his shoulder against the wall, taking aim at the side of his head. Knowing he was about to get his brains blown out by his well intentioned best friend, James began kicking and screaming for dear life. Being the athlete of the group, James normally beat Sirius at arm wrestling, but fear takes all the strength out of a person, so his shoving was of no use. Sirius muttered the curse and James screwed his eyes shut and prepared to take the consequences like a man.

"GAHHHHH!"

Remus and Peter were splitting their sides with laughter. They couldn't see James's face because Sirius was blocking their view, but a shot of bright pink light from the end of Sirius's wand and James's terrified yell told them that the damage had been done.

"See, now that wasn't so bad," Sirius released James and stepped back, grinning. James was pressed up against the wall, breathing heavily and looking like he had just stared a dragon in the face.

If Remus and Peter were laughing too hard before, now they were in danger of turning themselves inside out.

"Y-your h-h-hair is s-smoking! HAhahahahahah!" Remus choked out.

James started back to life in the blink of an eye and grabbed Sirius by the throat.

Sirius: Ghersk-

"You bloody moron! Next time you want to try and decapitate me, give a shout and I'll remember to DUCK!"

Sirius: Mee-moo!

"L-Loook! P-Padfoot's t-turningg B-bluuue! Heheheheh!" Peter looked like he was about to pee his pants.

James let go of Sirius angrily and stalked to the nearest mirror to survey the damage and to see if his forehead was bleeding.

Sirius: gasp Heeheeee...

"Look on the bright side, Prongs. Your fringe won't get in your eyes anymore! You're free!" Sirius wheezed.

"Yes, because there's NO FRINGE LEFT," James whirled around, livid and looking like he would resume choking Sirius.

His bangs had been completely blasted off. The ends were singed and there was an angry red welt on his forehead where Sirius's curse had grazed it. He now resembled an angry pineapple because the hair on the back of his head had been shocked into their usual sticking-up state.

"L-look on the bright s-side," Remus hiccupped, "Maybe Lily will like your eyebrows."

"Y-yeaH!" Peter said, "They're nice!"

"Great. I'm sure baldness is an attractive asset. My chances just fell from zero to negative one!"

"Maybe this is just what you needed. A dose of humility might actually increase your chances with a girl like Lily." Remus sobered up enough to get back to their original topic.

"So you're saying that Black did me a favour." James narrowed his eyes at Sirius who gave him a toothy grin.

Remus sighed, "You're missing the point. The whole reason Lily won't have anything to do with you might be because she only sees you as a mischievous troublemaker. You've gotta show her your caring side if you want to stand a ghost of a chance, mate."

James had temporarily forgotten about his fried locks and was hanging on to his every word as if they held the answer to life. "How?" he asked for the second time that day.

"Well, besides asking her out, have you actually told her how you feel?"

"Sure I have! Last time I saw her I asked if she wanted to snog –"

"Ah, Prongs. Never use the 's' words when conversing with a lady. The opposite sex has no idea that 'do you want to shag/snog me' means 'I fancy you' in guy-speak."

James furrowed his brows. This piece of knowledge surprised him immensely. "Really? Then what should I say?"

"Tell her the things you tell us all the time."

Sirius snorted. "Yes, such as the stuff you torment me with everyday. How much you adore her, how you'd just burst if she smiled at you, how much you hate it when something makes her cry – all that good stuff." He waved a hand in disgust.

"Padfoot might actually be right about something," Remus nodded.

This news was troubling to James. He would do just about anything to get into Lily's good graces, but being so candid was a big step. It seemed to him just like ripping your own heart out and presenting it on a silver platter – and if you could get past the gruesome imagery, I'm sure you'd agree that the thought was more than a little terrifying.

"Hey! Moony, you owe us a pack of Bertie's!" James suddenly remembered, brightening considerably.

"I'll go get it!" Peter immediately jumped up and ran the way of the pantry.

Meanwhile, Sirius leaned back onto a pile of undamaged pillows. "Trust us James, It's quite impossible to go wooing a girl like Lily on your own, but with the right backup, it's merely a calculated procedure and a matter of time," he smiled confidently, "No girlstands a chance against all _four_ marauders... it's going to be a very different year, my friend!"

James looked relieved and happier than he had been for a long time.

"Ok, we should start practicing the 'Lily-how-was-your-summer' speech " Remus interjected, always eager to get down to business.

Suddenly a panicked scream came from down the hall, beyond the bedroom door.

" But first we'll go save Peter from your mum's curtains."

* * *

A/N: Thanks for reading my first attempt at an HP fic! It might lead up to a chapter story sometime later if I can ever get over my commitment-phobia. 


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